FOLLOWING THE GRATIFYING DUKE LOSS, SNAKE SLITHERED UNDER THE DOOR AND HID IN THE DUKE LOCKER ROOM. STORCH SIMPLY WALKED IN DRESSED IN HIS NORMAL CHIMNEY SWEEPER ATTIRE AND WAS NOT QUESTIONED FOR A CREDENTIAL.
THEY WERE ABLE TO WATCH THE TEAM AS THEY LEFT THE COURT AND RECORD THEIR CONVERSATIONS FOR POSTERITY:
The players are walking toward the locker room. Greg Paulus starts clapping, “Guys bring it in. Let’s go.” Everyone is confused.
Henderson, “What. The. Fuck. Are you talking about? The season is over. Your career is ov—.”
Paulus interupts, “What about the NB—”
Before he can finish, Henderson slaps him in the mouth and puts his finger in his face, “No.” Henderson takes out his cell phone and hits speed dial #5. The phone rings. “Bill Duffy, please….. Bill, it’s Gerald…. Yeah tough loss, but at least I showcased what I can do… Of course I’m going to declare. You think I want to stay another season with this team full of crying faggots?” Jon Scheyer is walking beside him weeping. He hears this and bawls even harder.
Gerald looks at Jon, “Pussy ass white faggot.… Yeah, Bill, I want you to be my agent…. Press conference tomorrow sounds good.” He hangs up. He starts jumping around and sees Elliot Williams. “Yo, Big L, I’m lottery bound, bebe!”
Elliot: “Good shit, son. Yo I’m out, too. Goin’ home. Memphis, son.”
G: “Oh shit you transferring?”
Big L: “Can’t take these white pussies. Or that homo, Lance ‘Bass’ Thomas.”
G: “That’s exactly what I said. And true about Lance. He’s softer than Charmin ass paper.” G&L do a Manny/Big Papi handshake and head back into the locker room.
Coach K calls the team in, “Alright, guys gather up.” The players stop their moping and gather around Coach, with the exception of Brian Zoubek. Big Zoubs is at the doorway banging his head into the doorframe. “Woj, what on God’s green earth is Zoubek doing?”
Woj walks over to Zoubek to help him into the room. Right before he gets there Lance Thomas, who was not yet in the locker room because he was too busy crushing the dreams of his entire extended family, ducks around Zoubek strongly elbowing him in the gut causing him to keel over and finally get his head in. The referees’ locker room is across the hall. After calling the offensive elbow to the gut foul on Thomas throughout the entire game, all of the refs instinctually blow their whistles and in unison yell, “Flagrant!”
Big L leans over to Gerald, “He’s fucking flagrant alright.”
Coach K: “Woj, help Zoubek sit down…. Alright fellas, you guys had a great season. We reached our level of mediocrity as usual beating Maryland, Virginia Tech, and Florida State. We lost both times to Carolina but that’s okay. They are dark- I mean deeper than us. They were just black- I mean better this year. To be honest I didn’t even think we would get a 2 seed. I guess my gold medal pedigree really helped with that one, HAH! Anyway, forget about the NCAA tournament though. From the start of the season we had one goal, which was to win the ACC tournament. So good job there, everyone. We did it.” The coaching staff and Greg Paulus start clapping it up. “Now I have to go meet our recruits at the Yacht Club for the wine and cheese soiree. Take care, we’ll see some of you next season. By the way, let’s thank Paulus for his dedication to Duke University for the last four years. A truly forgetta—I mean, great career. I don’t know what we would have done without your 4.9 points per game this year. You are a unique player. And by unique I mean, you were the first player I’ve ever seen to get progressively worse from season to season. Ok, guys.” He taps the table. “See you soon.” As Coach K is leaving he walks by Paulus and exhaled loud enough for everyone to hear, “should have played football hah-hah.” He turns back to the room, “Oh yea and Zoubek, you’re off the team....horrible.”
As Coach K leaves, Paulus starts crying. Singler consoles him, “Greg, maybe you can pull a Drew Henson.”
Gerald contributes, “Yeah, Greg, you can add NFL failure to your list of accomplishments. Oh yeah, and I’m declaring.”
Big L packs up his stuff and follows, “I’m sure I’ll see you guys next year when I’m at Memphis as a 1 seed and you are a 1 seed but in the NIT.”
Nolan Smith stands up, “Damn, so now I’m the only black guy?”
“My brother, your name is Nolan. You are whiter than the snow in my country or that in the country of Brhyzinski Zoubek,” Martynas Pocius blurts out. Gerald and Big L crack up. This is especially embarrassing for Nolan because Martynas is from Lithuania.
Gerald says, “Oh shit, Big L. You hear Space-Jam-Shawn-Bradley’s real name is Brhyzinski??!”
Gerald contributes, “Yeah, Greg, you can add NFL failure to your list of accomplishments. Oh yeah, and I’m declaring.”
Big L packs up his stuff and follows, “I’m sure I’ll see you guys next year when I’m at Memphis as a 1 seed and you are a 1 seed but in the NIT.”
Nolan Smith stands up, “Damn, so now I’m the only black guy?”
“My brother, your name is Nolan. You are whiter than the snow in my country or that in the country of Brhyzinski Zoubek,” Martynas Pocius blurts out. Gerald and Big L crack up. This is especially embarrassing for Nolan because Martynas is from Lithuania.
Gerald says, “Oh shit, Big L. You hear Space-Jam-Shawn-Bradley’s real name is Brhyzinski??!”
Zoubek hears his name and lifts his head up. He couldn’t be more confused. He looks around, can’t figure it out, and looks back down at his size 19 clown shoes.
“I’m afraid of black guys,” Jon Scheyer admits aloud but to himself.
Singler stands up. Everyone else is for the most part is still in uniform, but somehow Kyle is already fully dressed in khakis and a blazer, “Hey guys, are we almost done? I’d really like to get to my piano recital.”
Scheyer immediately snaps out of his pussyfit, “Oouu!! Can I come??! I want to get a cappuccino first. Or something.”
Paulus also snaps out of it, “I’m coming too!!”
Singler and Scheyer giggle. Singler says, “Hee hee, oh silly, you just said ‘come.’” They all laugh.
The three of them skip into each other’s arms and make a circle ringing around a rosey.
Lance sees this and loses it. He storms to his locker and starts rummaging through his gym bag.
Gerald says, “What the fuck are you homos doing here?”
Lance finds what he’s looking for. It’s the dildo from Se7en.
IT WAS AT THIS POINT THAT SNAKE AND STORCH KNEW THE DIRECTION THIS WAS HEADED. THE ATR FAMILY LEFT AND WENT TO THE MOVIES TO SEE ‘I LOVE YOU, MAN’ TO LAUGH AND FORGET ABOUT THE TRAGEDY THAT WAS ALMOST WITNESSED.
Singler and Scheyer giggle. Singler says, “Hee hee, oh silly, you just said ‘come.’” They all laugh.
The three of them skip into each other’s arms and make a circle ringing around a rosey.
Lance sees this and loses it. He storms to his locker and starts rummaging through his gym bag.
Gerald says, “What the fuck are you homos doing here?”
Lance finds what he’s looking for. It’s the dildo from Se7en.
IT WAS AT THIS POINT THAT SNAKE AND STORCH KNEW THE DIRECTION THIS WAS HEADED. THE ATR FAMILY LEFT AND WENT TO THE MOVIES TO SEE ‘I LOVE YOU, MAN’ TO LAUGH AND FORGET ABOUT THE TRAGEDY THAT WAS ALMOST WITNESSED.
-According To Royalty
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