How Do You Think He Got His Name?

ATR writes… ACCORDING TO RICK JAMES, "COCAINE IS A HELL OF A DRUG." APPARENTLY, SO ARE PAIN KILLERS...

ZMILLS WITH DA PKILLS writes…
The main problem I have with the current president is that he just does not seem to get it. I sit here, alone in my apartment, surfing Craigslist and Monster and even going down the phone book, calling mother fuckers for any job that would be willing to hire me and he goes on The Tonight Show and has the audacity to make fun of retards.

Its not that I am against making fun of retards, in fact, I think making fun of retards is possibly one of the funniest things us normies can do in our spare time. Who do they think they are talking all weirdy-like and have over exacerbated foreheads? They aren’t fooling anyone, I know that they are truly an alien species from the planet Down-Syndromedia who are currently trying to gain our acceptance through unconditional love, appreciation and ridiculously mighty retard strength.  

But as our economy plummets deeper and deeper into the shitter, I find myself losing faith in my country, my government, and most importantly myself. Like a strong percentage of the of the country, I have been laid off, have had my stocks, mutual funds and 401K depleted, am falling deeper into debt with credit cards and over drafts, bouncing checks with hookers and whores, inability to pay back my drug dealers for their product, and unable to fully pay my hitman for the assassinations I wish him to perform. Everyday, businesses are closing and declaring bankruptcy. Even some of the most stable and affluent business; such as, manufacturers of pharmaceutical drugs, are feeling the effect of the economy and are closing their fucking doors.

Yes, loyal readers of ATR, times are fucking tough, which brings me to what really has been grinding my gears. This past month, ACTAVIS which manufacturers the wonderful and insatiable 30 MG Roxicodone painkiller that I used to take on a regular basis, like 6-7 times a day, has shut their doors due to the economic crisis and loss of money based on people abusing their medication.

I was absolutely abusing their medication, so I guess I can be blamed partially, but did you think I got the nickname Zmillz with DA Pkillz for nothing?? It took years of getting high, drug abuse, straight addiction and withdrawals to get that moniker!

Think about this. The one thing I get pleasure from now in the shitty fucking economy is gone. My money, my soon to be apartment, my life, my friends and now my fucking Pain Killers are gone. I know the readers of ATR can relate with me when I say that the only thing left to do is make fun of retarded people to make us all feel better!

Making fun of retarded people is a drug of it’s own. It makes us feel better about ourselves as we look down on them and go to sleep at night knowing, and thanking god, that even though our lives are shit, and our painkillers are gone…at least we are not retarded.

-The Professional PKilla

ATR writes… FOLLOWING THIS DRUG-INDUCED RANT ZMILLS ALONG WITH HIS PKILLS POSTED THE FOLLOWING AD ON CRAIGSLIST…. ZMILLS, WE LAUGH AT YOUR MISFORTUNE.

That's Her Face. And It's Not For Raping.

ATR writes... ZMILLS WRITES HIS INAUGURAL ARTICLE FOR THE ACCORDING TO ROYALTY FAMILY AND GIVES US AN EXCUSE TO POST A PICTURE OF HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND:

I was originally going to make my writing debut on the Snake Pit blog in conjunction with the According To Royalty Family with a story of how not to be “that guy.” Of course, by “that guy” we mean the every-guy, the uber-guy and the stereotypical-guy who fits the accurate and universal description of a douche-bag as well as a tool. The According To Royalty Family does not contain any tools nor douche-bags and are trained in the art of deciphering who is and who is not one of these horrible creatures, which will eventually be coming to light on this blog.

But for now I wish to suspend the debut of the That Guy segment and focus on a problem that is sweeping the country. In the midst of the economic meltdown, rapid unemployment, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the allowance of post-operational transvestites to prance around in booty shorts displaying the areas where their once meaty shlongs dangled and bo jangeled all over national television, a new phenomenon has emerged as a leading national crisis.

Obviously I am talking about the outbreak of UGKSS (pronounced UcKs) which is the acronym for the incredibly serious social faux pas known as Ugly Girl Key-Stealing Syndrome.

This past weekend as I left a birthday party I had attended of a good friend of mine whom I hate with the passion on a thousand suns. To make a long story short…as short as the kid whose part I attended chode dick, a girl that I had been semi-intimate was near my apartment with two of her ghoulish friends and asked to use the bathroom. Being a genuinely good guy and ignoring the request of my roommate Clive Driscoll to never allow this particular girl the our apartment again, I let her come and use the bathroom.

After 15 minutes of hanging out, the girls left. End of story….or is it?

The next morning Snake comes over and finds me chillin with Clive in his room frantically searching for his keys. After about an hour of looking, Clive tells me to call the girl who was over last night and ask them if they took his keys. Now, I didn’t think Clive was serious. I mean, what type of disgusting lunatic steals a pair of strangers keys?? I just didn’t think it was rational, but I called her anyway only to find that her ugly, disgusting, drunken friends stole Clive's keys ‘as a joke.”

Woah, woah, woah. What was I to do, how was I to proceed at the news of this insane and uncalled for indiscretion. So I rushed to my computer and googled the exact scenario that had just occurred and to my complete surprise there were hundreds of sites and support groups dedicated to the exact same phenomenon. It even had a name., UGKSS or Ugly Girl Key-Stealing Syndrome.

It turns out that ugly girls have a split gene inside their ugly little brains that cause them to realize that since they are extremely ugly, the only way a guy could possible want to hook up with them is if they steal their keys, force themselves into the apartment and then having sex with the guy whose home it is. The gene recognizes that no man will EVER turn away a naked chick in his room, matter how ugly she is…until he has cum. I mean, c’mon, we are guys.

After the hook up though, the ugly girl leaves the keys there and goes on with her life. But the man, rather I’d say, the victim, he has to live out his days knowing that he had just been subjected to engaging himself at the behest and semi-rape of the gross ass chick that stole his keys.

Scientists are searching for a remedy for this terrible affliction that is harming our society in ways that are unimaginable. Grown men, waking up crying, depressed and in their sheets that reek of the ugly girl from the night before can find help through their local UGKSS support groups.

Please join the According To Royalty Family in our campaign to end this madness. If we ban together, these wretched slam-pigs will start leaving the keys alone and saving up for plastic surgery, which is how it should be…

And remember: Just as “No Means No!” when being raped. “Leave the Keys Your Dirty Sleaze!” means drop the keys! Don’t let this happen to you.

-ZMills With DA PKills

A Bunch Of 17 Year Old Babe Ruths.

Recorded: Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Description:
Clive Driscoll returns to join Storch and Snake on the podcast along with ZMills and his PKills as they discuss Parking Lot Brains, RetardBall, and The Risk of Penile Cancer among Chimney Sweepers.


-According To Royalty