Family Christmases cut short because employers force their subordinates to come into work on December 26th is a fucking travesty. But in this one instance, I made do.
After hours of driving, I was finally 15 minutes from the house. Cody called me up and asked if I wanted to get down on paying for a stripper to come over. I said, “Yeah, ok.” Wasn't enthused, been there, done that. Not trying to spend a lot of money for something that wouldn’t be too special without drilldos involved. Still, a decent night could be ahead.
I arrive home to find Cody Chalmers and Clive Driscoll sitting huddled over Clive's Macbook googling "erotic oriental massage." It was only 7:45 pm, but it felt much later after a long day with family and a longer drive home. I wasn’t trying to go on a crazy adventure into NYC, but after no more than 3 minutes of convincing on Cody's part and halfhearted excuses on my part, I caved. We watched the Suns lose to the Lakers and by 7:50 we were on the road. Headed into the great unknown of Asian Beat Offs.
We got a little lost in the city because Cody's GPS lead us astray, but we made it to the address 5 minutes late for our 9 o'clock appointment. (Yes, we made an appointment. Shit closed at 10! We had to make sure they could work us.) We parked Cody's car in the adjacent lot and walked up to the door. The door seemed to belong to an apartment building. It was in between an upscale Chinese restaurant called and a fun little Mexican joint that had closed early and had a sign that said, "closed early hapy xmas tksc." No capitals or punctuation.
The "Aromaspa - 3rd floor" gold sign was around the size of a normal sheet of paper and was barely visible from the street, but Cody’s keen eye spotted it anyway and pressed the buzzer. I was envisioning an interaction over the intercom something like this:
“Herro?”
“Uhhh, yeah. We’re here to get jerked off?”
“HO K” (bzzzz)
I was disappointed. They let us in without checking for verification.
We made it up the first flight of stairs as Clive said: "I'm going to try very hard not to, but I know I'm going to laugh." We rounded the corner to the second flight of stairs, which had a large heavy door at its base that was propped open by a phone book. I was trying not to laugh as I walked up the stairs, and as I saw that phone book I realized the gravity of the situation..... Steve Nash wasn't going to be the only guy getting beaten by someone with an asian name on Christmas.
We get to the door and Cody presses another buzzer (we nominated him as the leader of this operation seeing as how he had gotten a happy ending massage (or 2 or 3) when he was in Vegas a few months ago and had been the driving force behind the night. Apparently you pay for the massage and have to barter for the release. Going in we knew it'd be $80 for the massage and the beat off could be as much as $70 or as little as $50). They let us in, again without checking our credentials. The three of us walk in all wearing hoodies and sweatpants and the woman behind the desk (asian) looks at us and goes, "ohhhh re got babies" suddenly 3 more women (asian) appear from nowhere, all laughing and giggling about us being babies. The one behind the desk asks Cody, "how ord ale you" Cody says 22. She hits him back with an "ok just massages, just massages." He pays his $80 and gets taken away by one of the other girls. I’m thinking, whoa wait a sec, just massages? I’m here to get my dick jerked, lady. But, I pay my $80 skeptically and get taken back by the most busted one of them all. She definitely was not hideous, but her mouth could only be described as horse-like when open. She asks me how ord I am and I also say 22, she says, "ohhh you ale young, I rike you" and slapped my ass as she led me to the locker room where Cody and Clive had just been led.
The locker room was just a room with a whole bunch of Ikea lockers side by side. They left us alone and I go, "Yo are we supposed to get naked?" There was no response. I guessed the answer was yes, and what I had been handed by Horseface turned out to be a little robe and not a sheet. The robe was seersucker and only went down to short short level. There was a serious danger of somebody with Larry-David-Long-Balls having them dangle out from underneath the robe. I got naked under the robe by putting it on first and then removing my boxers (no homo) and put on the sandals that were resting at the base of the locker. They were surprisingly comfortable over-the-foot sandals with a criss cross design. When I was ready, I walked out of the locker room and saw all of the girls waiting for us. We stood awkwardly in a line and Horseface took my hand and guided me to the shower room.
The shower room was elevated about two or three steps (all of which were covered with white towels). I almost walked on the towels with my shoes, but Horsey raised her voice and said "shoooes off" (in that asiany sing song). The shower room had two little cubicles. Each one was equipped with a padded bed, a shower with a removable head, a tub of water and a large sponge. As soon as she walked me in there she disrobed me and had me standing butt ass naked. Within seconds the other chick walked Cody in and he just looked in and saw me and my Chimney Sweeper in full glory. We both start laughing and he quickly turns and walks back out of the room. I covered up my dick and balls and turned around and tell Horseface, "Yo close this curtain." She does as Cody comes back in and goes in the next cubicle. My chick starts warming up the water and tells me to lie face down. The "pillow" is some kind of weird shit that is shaped like one of those memory foam pillows but is actually hard and allows water to go through it. A washcloth is over this. I rest my head down facing away from her so I can laugh to myself freely.
She asks, “How iz za whezer outside?” “Not too bad,” I say and I begin to realize I’ll be cracking up throughout this entire experience. She starts soaping me up as the water is finally warm enough and she is very thorough getting all up in my ass. When she approaches my ass, I instinctually clench up my cheeks. She says, “Relax, relax.” I relax and let her clean my ass. Basically she just runs her hands through the crack and cleans it. Then she spreads my legs apart and sprays the soap out. My legs are still apart she spreads my ass open, peers in, and says, "Arr crean!" (in sing song). This was the most hilarious and most surreal experience I’d ever had in my life up to this point and I somehow contained my explosive laughter. I would pay money to have a picture of her face from the point of view of my crean ass as she gazed into it. I would frame this picture.
She continues to soap my back and massages me at the same time. As of this moment I’m quite pleased I decided to pay 80 bucks for this, even if there is only massage as the front desk chick claimed. She turns me over looks at my dick and goes, "may I?" to which I respond, "You may." She soaps up my dick and balls and cleans them. I'm medium at this point. maybe around a 3.5 out of 10 scale of hardness. This dickcleaning only takes like 10 seconds and then the table shower is over. I stand up and she dries me off, in the process of which I move up to a 5 out of 10 as she dries off my junk, which I enjoy. She holds my everhardening cock in her hand through the towel and looks up at me and says, “Nice dong.” Sing song. Then she puts the robe on me and guides me out of the shower room. I put my sandals on and she walks me around the corner to the massage room.
The massage rooms are much larger than they need to be with the bed in one corner and a small table filled with lotions and oils in another. Didn’t see much else in the room. So I disrobe and dissandal and walk over to the bed. I lie face down and she leaves me alone for 30 seconds. I start laughing to the bed hole and I'm shivering cuz I'm wet and it’s a little chilly. But as soon as she comes in, oils my back and gets going I warm right up. She massages the shit out my back and neck and ass and legs and arms (as she’s massaging my hands she cracks my fingers individually and as she does this she makes the noise sound louder by either snapping her finger at the same time or making a noise with her mouth...I found this part perplexing). The whole time she’s trying to make convo like, "this your first time?" and I go "well I've gotten a massage before but never paid for it" and somehow she was fascinated that this was my first time.
I said, "So you don't celebrate Christmas huh?" (in the back of my mind thinking, Communist China has no religion) She goes, "I cereblate it, if you give me a plesent" almost trying to be sexual. Since I wasn't attracted to her at all I just kind of laughed at her attempt more than anything. I asked her where she was from and I was expecting her to say Shanghai, but surprisingly she was Korean. Her name was Suzie. No. It wasn’t. I told her I had a close friend who was Korean and she was fascinated by this. I say, "I heard the women over there love American men..." She hits me back with "ohhh heheh" not really loving the comment, then she goes, "oh you tly having a Korean grrfriend," to which I said nothing. She asked me where I lived, I said, “NJ...Hoboken.” (not where I live). She asked where I worked, I said, “Applebee’s.” She didn’t know what that was. “It’s a restaurant,” I inform her. “Waitress?” she queries. “No. Waiter.” Really, Suzie? Really?
She tells me she’s a massage teacher and teaches all the other girls. She tells me she’s been in this country for 6 years, and that she’s been massaging/beating guys off for 6 years. I deduce that she moved to this country to beat people off. The massage was great, I mean very hard and deep and, with the exception of a couple times when she got too close to my a-hole, very relaxing. Overall I could have done with less ass tickling and more feet/hand massaging, but if there is a next time, I’ll voice my desires. She brought a hot towel out and put that over my back and rubbed that and pushed down on my neck. It was a nice end to the face down part of the massage.
She then said "asghag heagqe aggha, jsagea aegaggga?" after making her repeat this 3 times I figured out she said: "you have time reft, just massage?" (it seems as though I must have made her repeat just about everything she said the whole time I was there). I knew I had to bring my A-bartering-game at this point:
Me "what does that mean?"
Her: "Just massage? Just massage?"
Me (turn on my side and show her my cock): "can you massage my front?"
Her (pointing to my cock): "This?" (makes international sign for whack off)
Me: "Can you do that?"
Her: "Yeah you want it?"
Me: "Can you do that?"
Her: "You want me do it?"
Me (realizing that I must say giver her some sort of affirmative in some way, shape, or form): “Yes.”
Her: “Tuln ober, baby.”
She closes the door and comes over as I turn onto my back. She has hard nipples. General THO is in the house. Titty Hard On.
Her: "Is this your first time?"
Me: "Uhhhh, what?"
Her (putting one leg up on the table and massaging/oiling my cock trying to get me hard): "is this your first time?"
Me: "Uhhhh, I've had sex before if that's what you mean"
Her (singsong): "Uh uh, no sex"
Me: "Yeah, obviously no sex"
Her: "Hand job? First time?"
Me: "Ahaha, no, I've gotten beaten off before. Just, uh, never paid for it"
Her: "Oooo, ok" - she starts blowing air/humming on my cock from like an inch and a half away and I’m reaching 7, 8
It's an aight beat off so far, but that blowing puts it to another level comedically. The noises she’s making trying to be sexy are hysterical and I'm thinking this is going to take a while. I'm trying to savor it but as she’s humming on it and doing and over the head hand rub I just think about how great it will be to pop in her face and I get up to a 9. I'm about to burst out laughing, but I’m really trying not to make any movements that would tip her off as to when I may or may not bust so I clench my cheeks to prepare for nut. I definitely don't think I'm close at this point and I'm about to tell her to start using both hands, but then she starts leaning close to my dick and humming even more and I’m thinking aww this would be a perfect time to shoot. Within 15 seconds I'm shooting. I got it definitely all over her blouse and she doesn't even really notice at first. Then she does as it gets all over her hands. She’s trying to wipe it off on my stomach.
Her: "you make rots of mirk!"
Me: "yep."
She literally runs out of the room and I want to burst out laughing maniacally but I hold it in. She comes back 30 seconds later with another hot towel, she rubs the cum off my stomach, dick and balls with the hot towel, which feels great. She then proceeds to squeeze my dick like a toothpaste tube on a mission to extract every last drop. She makes another comment about my cum which I forget and then I get up she’s still hottoweling my cocknballs. She puts the robe on and as she wraps it around me plays with my balls again through the robe (a hilarious move). She brings me back to the locker room and says, "Youl fliends are waiting" I immediately burst out laughing and she comes back in the room and says, "Hey..." and slaps my ass. I continue to laugh uproariously as my friends tell me to chill. I cannot chill. She takes the key out of my robe and unlocks my locker, she says hey again and slaps my ass again, hugs me and says "I rike you." The entire time I’m just laughing, and I think she slides a finger in my crack again. She starts to take my robe off potentially leaving me naked in front of both of my friends, and I say, "Whoa chill, I got it from here." She leaves and I start laughing even harder than before. I want to rehash with them but I can’t form a sentence in between laughs. One of either Cody or Clive proceeds to say: "Guys I have something to admit, I like having my asshole fingered." We all start dying. We start discussing the lack of a barter for the beating, and we're excited that we don't have to tip. I just want to jet out but we agree giving a $20 is a great compromise. I get dressed and get my $20 ready, we leave and we all hand our $20's on the way out, my girl slaps my ass and pinches my ear on the way out as I continue to laugh.
The laughing continues all the way down the stairs and my friends are trying to get me to chill. It is impossible. We walk outside into the chill winter air, all of us wearing nothing but hoodies and tshirts underneath. The cold doesn't bother us and I feel as spry as a spring chicken. I say this out loud, “I feel as spry as a spring chicken,” because it is the first time I've ever been able to apply this phrase to my own life. A consensus is made among us. Chinese food is in order. General Tho's bebe.
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