CLIVE writes...
First of all, I just want to say that it is about time someone came out and bashed this season’s Real World. Well done, Snake. Another successful bite. Having said that, this season should not just be snake bit but castrated (wait, Katelyn already was).
Picture each cast member’s initial reaction to getting the call (finding their ticket) to be chosen for the Real World…
Chet: So excited that he almost touched a boobie for the first time. Instead he wrapped his purple scarf around his neck and started masturbating furiously to pre-taped episodes of Carson Daily hosting TRL.
Ryan: Tried to return the engagement ring he bought his girlfriend, but found out it was non-refundable. Afterwards, he googled Pranks and started shining his shoes.
Carl: (Wait, who is Carl? Carl is Katelynn’s birth name.) Carl found out and wanted to really flip the script on the nation. Carl booked a plane to Thailand, bought a pair of booty shorts and went to a back-alley abortion clinic and said, "Make this work."
Scott: After finding out, Scott not pleased enough with his abs, spent 248 hours in the gym working out. Only stopping to check himself out in the mirror and to spot his workout buddy who happens to be into guys.
Sarah: Bitches and complains she got chosen because that is all she knows how to do. Feeling her sleeve of tattoos was not enough to make her stand out, she decides that back when she was 10 she shouldn’t have shared a sleeping bag with her father. He is now an estranged sexual molester and she the whiny-cunt of a victim.
Devyn: Wipes the cum of three casting directors off her face. She is so thrilled that she is chosen, she offers them the opportunity to tittyfuck her as well. Disgusted by her nipple-to-boobie ratio, they decline and ask her to leave.
J.D.: Has no family and no friends, he has no boyfriend because he is not gay, he is fucking faggot. JD celebrated by fucking the blowhole of his favorite dolphin, Fudgie. Not satisfied by Fudgie, JD then paid a homeless man 20 bucks to provide that particular golden twinkle in his eye.
Baya: Is so excited she has bee chosen and given a chance to escape her hometown of Salt Lake City. That night celebrating with her hippie parents she goes into a dance frenzy, falls and fucks up her two front teeth, leaving her with a noticeable gap. (I would still fuck her btw, she is hot.)
The Cast:
They arrive at the factory and the camera starts rolling. The nation finds out this year has a twist: 8 cast members. 4 guys and 4 girls? Or is it 5 guys and 3 girls? Or is it 2 guys and 6 girls?
What happened to the good old Real World Casting Stereotypes? The gay guy, the bumpkin, the bitch, the hot girl, the black guy, the weird guy, and the x-factor. Over the first 20 years, these tried-and-true stereotypes have provided us with great characters like the Miz, that Oakland Raiders cheerleader, Choral, multiple overly gay men, Tyree "you stabbed my father,” etc. This year we have no black guy. (To hold shit down.)
Instead we have Scott or Wonka's Mike Teavee. Teavee was, as his last name implied, a television fanatic, seldom away from his television set. Instead of TV, Scott is seldom away from the gym. The fucking moron has the opportunity to get any girl he wants on any night of the week and opts to play pool, check emails, workout, and build a love/hate relationship with a transgender. Remember the episode where, Katelynn has no money (because she spent god knows how much to clip her penis and turn it into a walking black hole looking to suck in anything within range) and Scott comes in and, despite their constant arguing, provides her with some money. I remember screaming out, “fuck” really loud. Typical douche. Scott deserves the same fate as Teavee, to be shrunk. Scott should stripped of all his steriods and given the same procedure as Katelynn since his nuts have already shrunk from the lack of pussy during this season. Fuck you, Scott, you fucking ungrateful piece of shit.
Speaking of Katelynn, the similarities between her and Arthur Slugworth are remarkable. They are both ugly as sin and evil. Slugworth is looking for the formula for the "everlasting gobstopper" and Katelynn is looking for the formula for the "everlasting nightmare." SHE HAS FOUND IT. Watching her flock around the house in booty shorts, make out with guys and girls, pole dance, and even just speak words has kept me up many a night, crying and asking why. Why hasn't Murray or Bunim said, "This is too much... We like nudity, it gets us ratings but this is just fucking wrong." She could wear the crown for ‘Someone-Who-Grosses-Me-The-Fuck-Out-On-Sight.’ Of course, in the movie it turns out that Slugworth is really Mr. Wilkerson, just like Katelynn pretending to something she is clearly not, a woman. Fuck you, you fucking disgusting piece of shit.
Speaking of pieces of shit, JD will take that crown. This midget dolphin trainer, like all gay men, thinks he is better than everyone else. I hate his posture, I hate the way he talks and looks. He can only be likened to the Oompa Loompas. First, he would fit in as an Oompa Loompa for his height. Second, he would fit in because he likes banging guys. I am sorry to drop the bomb, but hundreds of little orange men working in a chocolate factory with no women in sight? Excuse the obvious pun, but there is definitely some fudge packing. JD had the moment this season where he broke a glass table. I don't remember why and I don't care. Oh now I do, he is a drama queen who instead of singing catchy tunes that teach lessons, he sucks pole. Fuck you, you fucking cock-sucking piece of shit.
You can't say “cock-sucking” and not think of Chet. If he is straight and has never had a cock in or around his mouth, than I will jump out the window of my apartment. Chet is Augustus Gloop, the gluttonous overeater. Chet is not overeating, though, he is being overviewed. Every episode Chet dominates with his ambiguous behavior. Am I the only one who thinks he is on Ryan's balls a bit too much? He got his bowtie in a frenzy that one episode where Ryan didn't come home on time. We have to watch week after week as Chet hosts this show, or applies for his MTV job, or almost comes out, or pretends to like Scott’s friend to mask his cock loving. Additionally, he has worn the same outfits the whole season. You unoriginal fuck. You need to finally fall into that chocolate river and come out of the closet. I am sorry, mormon or not, if you are 21 years or older and have not touched a boob, you are gay. If you are not gay, you should think about becoming gay. Fuck you, you fucking virgin piece of shit.
One person who is clearly not a virgin is Devyn. As Beyonce says, “A Diva is the female version of a Hustler.” And as I say, “An annoying slutty cunt is the my version of a Diva.” If I hear Devyn liken herself to a Diva one more time, I am going to cut the fake titty out of her and suffocate her with it. Devyn, like Wonka's Veruca Salt, regularly exerts petulant behavior in order to get what she desires. Devyn spends her time on the phone talking to the 6-8 guys she teases in order to get what she wants, money. When I look at Devyn, I can't help but think she takes monster dumps. I hate how she wears that sleep mask also (just a sidenote). Devyn deserves the same fate as Veruca, whose endgame comes in Wonka's Nut Sorting Room. No explanation needed. Fuck you, you fucking Diva-wanna-be piece of shit.
Baya, oh Baya. Do people in Salt Lake City not fuck? She is really hot, she moves well, she has a bit of a gapper but that just gives u a target, like trying to score a goal. Baya is Violet Beauregarde, a tomboy who exhibits a more competitive spirit than the four other ticket winners. Baya does herself no justice by dressing in sweatpants and hoodies every episode. Show some skin, you should be pole dancing, not that mutant. Just as Violet chews her gum constantly, Baya constantly is not speaking as if she is chewing so much gum she can't speak. There are some episodes where I didn’t even see her once. Damn shame because I actually like her. She will suffer the same fate as Violet and turn into a giant blueberry. Baya will keep putting of her dancing dreams and after realizing that she missed the opportunity of a lifetime and took a back seat this season will comfort herself with food. After gaining 70 pounds, her DJ'ing dreams will end, and back to Salt Lake City. Fuck you, you fucking hot piece of shit.
Someone else on this season, I remotely like is Ryan or in Wonka's case, Charlie. Ryan is likable and good hearted like Charlie. But for fucks’ sake man, you are on the Real World. Have you not watched in the past? Guys like you are cleaning up on a nightly basis. By episode 4 you are supposed to break up with the home girlfriend and bang the hot room mate, Baya. It is a science. Did the PTSD take away your libido? Like Charlie, Ryan would rather hang out with his family than go out there and bang some hot ass. Charlie could have walked down the street with that golden ticket and banged some serious whores or in his case got jerked off (he was 11ish). Ryan could have banged Baya if he wanted to, and then moved onto the millions of NYC girls who would suck a dick for ten minutes of fame on MTV. But no, this fuck had to do the right thing like Charlie. Where did that get you though? Back in Iraq, with no pussy, you fucked up. Fuck you, you fucking honest piece of shit.
Last but not least, Sarah, the tattooed bitch who, as Snake pointed out, looks like the dude from Blink 182. I never thought she was remotely good looking but has she gained 20-30 pounds since the show started? What is with this season and choosing people with some serious issues? Transgender, JD's abusive father, Sarah's sexually abusive father, Ryan's army experience, Baya's SLC background, Chet's lackof pussy, Scott's steroid issue, Devyn's porn past. Sarah is Wonka's...actually fuck that, Sarah just sucks. Nothing good about her at all. What did the casting directors see in her? "Oh, she has a sleeve of tattoos, she is edgy." Yeah doing finger paintings with 5 year olds is real edgy. Sarah is the kind of girl who has a FUPA and hides it well and has a pussy that smells worse than curry mixed with an overweight kids sweat after a rigorous game of dodgeball. Fuck you, you fucking worst casted Real World member piece of shit.
YOU LOSE. GOOD DAY, SIR!!!
In summary, Bunim or Murray (the living one), should fire every casting director involved with this season’s meltdown. I blame myself for tuning in week after week hoping for Ryan to bang a chick, or Baya to show some skin, or Chet to cum instantly after touching his first vagina, or Devyn to not be on the phone, or Katelynn to get drunk reach inside herself and pull out Carl's penis, or Scott to jam that pool stick up his ass so far it comes out of his nose, or JD to go down on his roomates while they are asleep, or Sarah to not piss me off. Fuck this season, fuck Bunim or Murray, whichever one is alive. You all lose, you all wasted the golden ticket. There is no glass elevator for any of you, just a swift kick in the nuts, vag, or vagnuts from me if I ever see any of you walking the streets of NYC.
Congratulations, Real World. You've just been Driscolled.
Being selected to be on the Real World is like getting the Golden Ticket of reality t.v. The producers, Bunim and Murray, one of whom is dead, so let me change that to Bunim or Murray, the one producer that is alive, is your Willy Wonka. Every year thousands upon thousands of fame-seeking nutcases send in their audition tapes, or to keep the analogy going, buy bars of chocolate. The tapes then get filtered down by the casting directors (who should be fired for this season a la Donald Trump to Andrew Dice Clay) who can alter any normal person’s life into a life of Gauntlet/Duel appearances, bar tours, and constant mockery on E!'s The Soup.
As Snake mentioned, these fucking moron casting directors selected not one but two people from Salt Lake City, Utah. As far as I know there are two things good about Salt Lake City, Utah, one is Karl "The Mailman" Malone,
() and.... nothing else. Also, correct me if I am wrong, doesn't the Real World consist of 7 cast members. 21 seasons of 7 cast members and this group of shmohawks (courtesy of Larry David) decide to cast 8. The final decision in putting the worst cast together in RW history must have been so hard that they decided they had to include the transgender AND the boring guy with great abs. Yet, here we are today, approaching the final episode of the worst season ever, or as I call it, my own personal glass elevator that will set me free of this nonsense world.
I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET, I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TWINKLE IN MY EYE:
As Snake mentioned, these fucking moron casting directors selected not one but two people from Salt Lake City, Utah. As far as I know there are two things good about Salt Lake City, Utah, one is Karl "The Mailman" Malone,
() and.... nothing else. Also, correct me if I am wrong, doesn't the Real World consist of 7 cast members. 21 seasons of 7 cast members and this group of shmohawks (courtesy of Larry David) decide to cast 8. The final decision in putting the worst cast together in RW history must have been so hard that they decided they had to include the transgender AND the boring guy with great abs. Yet, here we are today, approaching the final episode of the worst season ever, or as I call it, my own personal glass elevator that will set me free of this nonsense world.
I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET, I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TWINKLE IN MY EYE:
Picture each cast member’s initial reaction to getting the call (finding their ticket) to be chosen for the Real World…
Chet: So excited that he almost touched a boobie for the first time. Instead he wrapped his purple scarf around his neck and started masturbating furiously to pre-taped episodes of Carson Daily hosting TRL.
Ryan: Tried to return the engagement ring he bought his girlfriend, but found out it was non-refundable. Afterwards, he googled Pranks and started shining his shoes.
Carl: (Wait, who is Carl? Carl is Katelynn’s birth name.) Carl found out and wanted to really flip the script on the nation. Carl booked a plane to Thailand, bought a pair of booty shorts and went to a back-alley abortion clinic and said, "Make this work."
Sarah: Bitches and complains she got chosen because that is all she knows how to do. Feeling her sleeve of tattoos was not enough to make her stand out, she decides that back when she was 10 she shouldn’t have shared a sleeping bag with her father. He is now an estranged sexual molester and she the whiny-cunt of a victim.
Devyn: Wipes the cum of three casting directors off her face. She is so thrilled that she is chosen, she offers them the opportunity to tittyfuck her as well. Disgusted by her nipple-to-boobie ratio, they decline and ask her to leave.
J.D.: Has no family and no friends, he has no boyfriend because he is not gay, he is fucking faggot. JD celebrated by fucking the blowhole of his favorite dolphin, Fudgie. Not satisfied by Fudgie, JD then paid a homeless man 20 bucks to provide that particular golden twinkle in his eye.
Baya: Is so excited she has bee chosen and given a chance to escape her hometown of Salt Lake City. That night celebrating with her hippie parents she goes into a dance frenzy, falls and fucks up her two front teeth, leaving her with a noticeable gap. (I would still fuck her btw, she is hot.)
The Cast:
They arrive at the factory and the camera starts rolling. The nation finds out this year has a twist: 8 cast members. 4 guys and 4 girls? Or is it 5 guys and 3 girls? Or is it 2 guys and 6 girls?
What happened to the good old Real World Casting Stereotypes? The gay guy, the bumpkin, the bitch, the hot girl, the black guy, the weird guy, and the x-factor. Over the first 20 years, these tried-and-true stereotypes have provided us with great characters like the Miz, that Oakland Raiders cheerleader, Choral, multiple overly gay men, Tyree "you stabbed my father,” etc. This year we have no black guy. (To hold shit down.)
Instead we have Scott or Wonka's Mike Teavee. Teavee was, as his last name implied, a television fanatic, seldom away from his television set. Instead of TV, Scott is seldom away from the gym. The fucking moron has the opportunity to get any girl he wants on any night of the week and opts to play pool, check emails, workout, and build a love/hate relationship with a transgender. Remember the episode where, Katelynn has no money (because she spent god knows how much to clip her penis and turn it into a walking black hole looking to suck in anything within range) and Scott comes in and, despite their constant arguing, provides her with some money. I remember screaming out, “fuck” really loud. Typical douche. Scott deserves the same fate as Teavee, to be shrunk. Scott should stripped of all his steriods and given the same procedure as Katelynn since his nuts have already shrunk from the lack of pussy during this season. Fuck you, Scott, you fucking ungrateful piece of shit.
Speaking of Katelynn, the similarities between her and Arthur Slugworth are remarkable. They are both ugly as sin and evil. Slugworth is looking for the formula for the "everlasting gobstopper" and Katelynn is looking for the formula for the "everlasting nightmare." SHE HAS FOUND IT. Watching her flock around the house in booty shorts, make out with guys and girls, pole dance, and even just speak words has kept me up many a night, crying and asking why. Why hasn't Murray or Bunim said, "This is too much... We like nudity, it gets us ratings but this is just fucking wrong." She could wear the crown for ‘Someone-Who-Grosses-Me-The-Fuck-Out-On-Sight.’ Of course, in the movie it turns out that Slugworth is really Mr. Wilkerson, just like Katelynn pretending to something she is clearly not, a woman. Fuck you, you fucking disgusting piece of shit.
Speaking of pieces of shit, JD will take that crown. This midget dolphin trainer, like all gay men, thinks he is better than everyone else. I hate his posture, I hate the way he talks and looks. He can only be likened to the Oompa Loompas. First, he would fit in as an Oompa Loompa for his height. Second, he would fit in because he likes banging guys. I am sorry to drop the bomb, but hundreds of little orange men working in a chocolate factory with no women in sight? Excuse the obvious pun, but there is definitely some fudge packing. JD had the moment this season where he broke a glass table. I don't remember why and I don't care. Oh now I do, he is a drama queen who instead of singing catchy tunes that teach lessons, he sucks pole. Fuck you, you fucking cock-sucking piece of shit.
You can't say “cock-sucking” and not think of Chet. If he is straight and has never had a cock in or around his mouth, than I will jump out the window of my apartment. Chet is Augustus Gloop, the gluttonous overeater. Chet is not overeating, though, he is being overviewed. Every episode Chet dominates with his ambiguous behavior. Am I the only one who thinks he is on Ryan's balls a bit too much? He got his bowtie in a frenzy that one episode where Ryan didn't come home on time. We have to watch week after week as Chet hosts this show, or applies for his MTV job, or almost comes out, or pretends to like Scott’s friend to mask his cock loving. Additionally, he has worn the same outfits the whole season. You unoriginal fuck. You need to finally fall into that chocolate river and come out of the closet. I am sorry, mormon or not, if you are 21 years or older and have not touched a boob, you are gay. If you are not gay, you should think about becoming gay. Fuck you, you fucking virgin piece of shit.
One person who is clearly not a virgin is Devyn. As Beyonce says, “A Diva is the female version of a Hustler.” And as I say, “An annoying slutty cunt is the my version of a Diva.” If I hear Devyn liken herself to a Diva one more time, I am going to cut the fake titty out of her and suffocate her with it. Devyn, like Wonka's Veruca Salt, regularly exerts petulant behavior in order to get what she desires. Devyn spends her time on the phone talking to the 6-8 guys she teases in order to get what she wants, money. When I look at Devyn, I can't help but think she takes monster dumps. I hate how she wears that sleep mask also (just a sidenote). Devyn deserves the same fate as Veruca, whose endgame comes in Wonka's Nut Sorting Room. No explanation needed. Fuck you, you fucking Diva-wanna-be piece of shit.
Baya, oh Baya. Do people in Salt Lake City not fuck? She is really hot, she moves well, she has a bit of a gapper but that just gives u a target, like trying to score a goal. Baya is Violet Beauregarde, a tomboy who exhibits a more competitive spirit than the four other ticket winners. Baya does herself no justice by dressing in sweatpants and hoodies every episode. Show some skin, you should be pole dancing, not that mutant. Just as Violet chews her gum constantly, Baya constantly is not speaking as if she is chewing so much gum she can't speak. There are some episodes where I didn’t even see her once. Damn shame because I actually like her. She will suffer the same fate as Violet and turn into a giant blueberry. Baya will keep putting of her dancing dreams and after realizing that she missed the opportunity of a lifetime and took a back seat this season will comfort herself with food. After gaining 70 pounds, her DJ'ing dreams will end, and back to Salt Lake City. Fuck you, you fucking hot piece of shit.
Someone else on this season, I remotely like is Ryan or in Wonka's case, Charlie. Ryan is likable and good hearted like Charlie. But for fucks’ sake man, you are on the Real World. Have you not watched in the past? Guys like you are cleaning up on a nightly basis. By episode 4 you are supposed to break up with the home girlfriend and bang the hot room mate, Baya. It is a science. Did the PTSD take away your libido? Like Charlie, Ryan would rather hang out with his family than go out there and bang some hot ass. Charlie could have walked down the street with that golden ticket and banged some serious whores or in his case got jerked off (he was 11ish). Ryan could have banged Baya if he wanted to, and then moved onto the millions of NYC girls who would suck a dick for ten minutes of fame on MTV. But no, this fuck had to do the right thing like Charlie. Where did that get you though? Back in Iraq, with no pussy, you fucked up. Fuck you, you fucking honest piece of shit.
Last but not least, Sarah, the tattooed bitch who, as Snake pointed out, looks like the dude from Blink 182. I never thought she was remotely good looking but has she gained 20-30 pounds since the show started? What is with this season and choosing people with some serious issues? Transgender, JD's abusive father, Sarah's sexually abusive father, Ryan's army experience, Baya's SLC background, Chet's lackof pussy, Scott's steroid issue, Devyn's porn past. Sarah is Wonka's...actually fuck that, Sarah just sucks. Nothing good about her at all. What did the casting directors see in her? "Oh, she has a sleeve of tattoos, she is edgy." Yeah doing finger paintings with 5 year olds is real edgy. Sarah is the kind of girl who has a FUPA and hides it well and has a pussy that smells worse than curry mixed with an overweight kids sweat after a rigorous game of dodgeball. Fuck you, you fucking worst casted Real World member piece of shit.
YOU LOSE. GOOD DAY, SIR!!!
In summary, Bunim or Murray (the living one), should fire every casting director involved with this season’s meltdown. I blame myself for tuning in week after week hoping for Ryan to bang a chick, or Baya to show some skin, or Chet to cum instantly after touching his first vagina, or Devyn to not be on the phone, or Katelynn to get drunk reach inside herself and pull out Carl's penis, or Scott to jam that pool stick up his ass so far it comes out of his nose, or JD to go down on his roomates while they are asleep, or Sarah to not piss me off. Fuck this season, fuck Bunim or Murray, whichever one is alive. You all lose, you all wasted the golden ticket. There is no glass elevator for any of you, just a swift kick in the nuts, vag, or vagnuts from me if I ever see any of you walking the streets of NYC.
Congratulations, Real World. You've just been Driscolled.
-Clyde
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