That's Her Face. And It's Not For Raping.

ATR writes... ZMILLS WRITES HIS INAUGURAL ARTICLE FOR THE ACCORDING TO ROYALTY FAMILY AND GIVES US AN EXCUSE TO POST A PICTURE OF HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND:

I was originally going to make my writing debut on the Snake Pit blog in conjunction with the According To Royalty Family with a story of how not to be “that guy.” Of course, by “that guy” we mean the every-guy, the uber-guy and the stereotypical-guy who fits the accurate and universal description of a douche-bag as well as a tool. The According To Royalty Family does not contain any tools nor douche-bags and are trained in the art of deciphering who is and who is not one of these horrible creatures, which will eventually be coming to light on this blog.

But for now I wish to suspend the debut of the That Guy segment and focus on a problem that is sweeping the country. In the midst of the economic meltdown, rapid unemployment, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the allowance of post-operational transvestites to prance around in booty shorts displaying the areas where their once meaty shlongs dangled and bo jangeled all over national television, a new phenomenon has emerged as a leading national crisis.

Obviously I am talking about the outbreak of UGKSS (pronounced UcKs) which is the acronym for the incredibly serious social faux pas known as Ugly Girl Key-Stealing Syndrome.

This past weekend as I left a birthday party I had attended of a good friend of mine whom I hate with the passion on a thousand suns. To make a long story short…as short as the kid whose part I attended chode dick, a girl that I had been semi-intimate was near my apartment with two of her ghoulish friends and asked to use the bathroom. Being a genuinely good guy and ignoring the request of my roommate Clive Driscoll to never allow this particular girl the our apartment again, I let her come and use the bathroom.

After 15 minutes of hanging out, the girls left. End of story….or is it?

The next morning Snake comes over and finds me chillin with Clive in his room frantically searching for his keys. After about an hour of looking, Clive tells me to call the girl who was over last night and ask them if they took his keys. Now, I didn’t think Clive was serious. I mean, what type of disgusting lunatic steals a pair of strangers keys?? I just didn’t think it was rational, but I called her anyway only to find that her ugly, disgusting, drunken friends stole Clive's keys ‘as a joke.”

Woah, woah, woah. What was I to do, how was I to proceed at the news of this insane and uncalled for indiscretion. So I rushed to my computer and googled the exact scenario that had just occurred and to my complete surprise there were hundreds of sites and support groups dedicated to the exact same phenomenon. It even had a name., UGKSS or Ugly Girl Key-Stealing Syndrome.

It turns out that ugly girls have a split gene inside their ugly little brains that cause them to realize that since they are extremely ugly, the only way a guy could possible want to hook up with them is if they steal their keys, force themselves into the apartment and then having sex with the guy whose home it is. The gene recognizes that no man will EVER turn away a naked chick in his room, matter how ugly she is…until he has cum. I mean, c’mon, we are guys.

After the hook up though, the ugly girl leaves the keys there and goes on with her life. But the man, rather I’d say, the victim, he has to live out his days knowing that he had just been subjected to engaging himself at the behest and semi-rape of the gross ass chick that stole his keys.

Scientists are searching for a remedy for this terrible affliction that is harming our society in ways that are unimaginable. Grown men, waking up crying, depressed and in their sheets that reek of the ugly girl from the night before can find help through their local UGKSS support groups.

Please join the According To Royalty Family in our campaign to end this madness. If we ban together, these wretched slam-pigs will start leaving the keys alone and saving up for plastic surgery, which is how it should be…

And remember: Just as “No Means No!” when being raped. “Leave the Keys Your Dirty Sleaze!” means drop the keys! Don’t let this happen to you.

-ZMills With DA PKills